There are dead horse days...

...and then there are these days.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

Christmas with dead horses

There are days when I believe that teaching English in Thailand bears many similarities to whipping a dead horse.

At the end of the day, the only one who is frustrated, exhausted, and emotionally spent is you.

As Christmas day looms closer, I can' t help but think about all of the things I'd rather be doing this 'holiday' season...

I want to walk through Chernobyl forest with Drew and Tom, still in my pajamas.
I'd like to hear my mom yell at me to come fix/type some mundane thing on her computer.
I want to feel the weight of my newly born niece in my arms and kiss her sweet (and assuredly) plump cheeks.
I want to run outside, into Christi's arms before she's barely stepped out of her car.
I want KC to ask me to fix her make-up so that we can have a faux fashion shoot by the pool.
I want to stay up until 3 am watching movies in the basement of the Millay house.
I'd like to hear Joshie yell out 'Starflakes!' as he rushes down the stairs to wrap his arms around me.
I want to surprise Moryeo in his office and thank him for everything he's done in the last few weeks.
I want to chase T around the house, trying to hug and kiss her in the way that oh-so annoys her (but secretly, I know she loves...)
I want an omelette at Café Patachou with Mr. Tom, Tom, and Drew (if he managed to wake-up for once...).
I want to be surrounded by friends underneath the dim lights of Cheesecake Factory.
I want to be home.
I want to be with you.

I don't want to be whipping.

The.Horse.Is.Dead.

Some days.

All I want for Christmas is...

YOU! A Christmas with my family and my dear friends.

But since I'm quite unlikely to get that, I thought I'd share all the things (plausible and not) I'd be crossing my fingers for this Christmas season IF I weren't about 10,000 miles away...

Books (in no particular order)
1. Christ the Lord - The Road to Cana: Anne Rice
2. My Sister's Keeper: Jodi Picoult
3. East of Eden: John Steinbeck
4. The Namesake: Jhumpa Lahiri
5. Love in the Time of Cholera: Gabriel Garcia Marquez
6. One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest: Ken Kesey
7. One Hundred Years of Solitude: Gabriel Garcia Marquez
8. The Alchemist: Paulo Coelho
9. The Poisonwood Bible: Barbara Kingsolver
10. Cancer Ward: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
11. A Farewell to Arms: Ernest Hemingway
12. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress: Robert A. Heinlein
13. The Once and Future King: T.H. White
14. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead: Tom Stoppard
15. 100 Love Sonnets - Cien sonetos de amor: Pablo Neruda, Stephen Tapscott (Translator)

Everything Else:
1. A new laptop (and dare I say it... a Mac.)
2. A new camera
3. New shoes for school
4. New clothes for school
5. Clothes in general
6. A Television (just so I can watch my DVDs on it)
7. DVDs of Dexter (season 1) and Nip/Tuck (season 4)
8. Money
9. 16 GB new Ipod Nano (Purple of course...)
10. Many many bottles of Aveeno Clear Complexion face wash/facial moisturizer
11. And of course...World peace.

Tuesday

I am no teacher.

Sure, I masquerade all day in the requisite skirt and blouse, with homework sheets piled under one arm and workbooks in the other hand but... I am no teacher.

But, you learn. I've learned. In all honesty, for me teaching has never demanded a similar intellectual intensity to my years spent slaving away at University. However, I've found that some days have the effect of an emotional battering ram.

Some days the students love me, some days there's not much I can do to keep them from acting like deranged monsters. Nevertheless, now that it has been six months (unbelievable), most of my students and I have worked out an easy medium. Sure, there are the ones whom I love to death and then the ones that require a bit more effort...but with most of them I seem to have a relatively smooth and uncomplicated relationship.

Except for this one group of M2 (8th grade) boys.

At first I was sweet teacher, then I was pissed-off teacher. I ran the gamut of personalities and emotions but they have remained hellions. As a result, over the last few weeks of classes, I've done something that the teachers I have most admired and cared for would never do... I gave up on them. I quit pushing, I quit trying to make them better, quit caring if they learned...if they passed...if they understood. Other than the occasional censure, I carried on with that class as if they never existed.

I am not a teacher. I lack whatever that spark is that allows for one to press on in the face of disrespect and non-compliance.

Tuesday.

For a second, while the other students were busy at work, my haze of apathy was split when I noticed that one of the Hellions was cradling a football underneath his feet...an American football (which is almost non-existent here in Thailand...they don't even show the games in pubs here but they show rugby... go figure). I motioned over with my head towards the ball and the conversation kind of went like this...

Me: So...I see you have a football.
Hellion #1: Yes
Me: So...you play football?
Hellion #1: Yes
Me: American football? (duh Star...)
Hellion #1: Yes
Hellion #2: Me too Teacher.
Me: Really? So...where'd you learn to play?
Hellion #2: America (what a smart kid)
Me: Hmm... any good?
Hellion #1 & #2: No/Yes (they glare at each other)
Me: So...can you throw the ball?
Hellion #1: Yes
Me: I mean like a spiral (demonstrate with finger)...not just throw it.
Hellion #2: (attempts to toss it to the boy behind him.... badly) *quick laugh* no...
Me: ah...pity (haze slipping back on...head turning back towards the desk)
Hellion #1: Teacher Star, can you play?
Me: Me? Oh, I love football, plus I have family in the NFL.
Hellion #2 & 3 & 4: Ooooohhh
Hellion #1: (pause...quick conference with the other boys) Teacher Star, okay I throw it to you.
Me: Say wha?
Hellion #1: I throw it to you okay?
Me: ...
Entire class: Come on Teacher Star
Me: erm...okay, one throw (walk slowly to corner diagonal to student)
Hellion #1: (throws it...quite a beautiful spiral)
***The class is quite enthralled at this point, they go even more insane when I actually catch the thing***
Me: hmm...not bad, here you go (I send back a gorgeous throw...silent thanks to my brother and all of those childhood, nighttime games of touch football)
***The classroom roars...there's no work being done today now***
***We toss the ball back and forth a couple of times, throwing it just a little bit harder and faster each time, until finally, Hellion #1 throws it too high and it ends up ricocheting against several walls***

At this point, I run back to my desk and everyone settles in as if nothing had happened. Thirty seconds later, the teacher from the next room peeks her head in (taking in my *hard-working and silent* children) and asks me if everything is alright and if the children are behaving. I struggle not to laugh and manage to convince her that I hit my chair against the wall when I last stood up. She leaves and the students peek up from their books, their gazes caught between mirth and wariness... obviously waiting for a sign as to how they are meant to react to the debacle.

I smile. I giggle.

The class erupts into conversation. Numerous hands cup imaginary footballs and sail them across the room, re-creating the day's momentary, unexpected adventure. But eventually, the Hellions are back in their pack, inattentive and isolated from the remainder of the classroom. But just before I settle into my seat, they glance back at me. I meet their gaze. They smile. I smile back.

Bbbbrrrring. That's it for class today. See you next week.

Give thanks

I am grateful to...

Grandma for her prayers
Mother for her hopes
Moryeo for his tenacity
T for her strength
KC for her eccentricity
Joshie for his innocence
Frankie for her smile
Christi for her belief
Tom for his love
Krista for her warmth
Tiffany for her optimism
Adriene for her constancy
Kim for her candidness
May for her shoulder
David for his open arms
Jahnavi for her smile
Zach for his persistence
You for all that you are

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

Happy Thanksgiving.

Dear Paul

Michael Altman lied, suicide is NOT painless.

For those left behind it leaves a feeling of guilt, not all that dissimilar to the evisceration of your insides by a fiery poker stick.

I weep, not for you because you are too far to hear my cries, but for those you left behind.

For your family, your friends, those who knew and loved you, and those who will never get the chance.

For your sake, I pray there is a heaven where your soul has found rest.

You hid your pain behind your precious smile and now we are all the worse for it.

You will be missed.

Francesca

My darling sister has just given birth to my sweet niece Francesca (aka Frankie courtesy of her favourite Aunt - myself of course), at a healthy 7lbs, 6oz at 21 inches.

Upon hearing her tiny cries, I've covered the gamut of emotions from joy, to ecstasy, to nostalgia. My body may not have been present in that room, filled with those I love more than life, but my heart belongs solely to that little angel - reminding me of the last stanza of one of my favorite poems:

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

(excerpt from E.E. Cummings' 'somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond')

I really can't wait to meet you little Frankie.

Blast hurts 62 in Thailand

Blasts hurt 62 in Thailand
Posted: 01:59 AM ET
BANGKOK, Thailand (CNN) — Two near-simultaneous explosions in insurgency-hit southern Thailand wounded 62 people Tuesday, police said.
A car bomb blast ripped through a fruit market in the Sukhirin district of Narathiwat, a predominantly Muslim province along the Thailand-Malaysia border.
Two minutes later, another explosion took place near a tea shop, police said.
The blasts occurred a week after Thailand’s new prime minister, Somchai Wongsawat, visited the violence-plagued region.

This area is a good 18 hour drive from Bangkok so I'm not concerned about my safety but please keep those that were injured close to your hearts and minds.

Happiness is...

- my M5 students running up to give me hugs on Monday (the first day back from holiday) while telling me how much they've missed me

- the naughty, but sincere, M3 boy who comes up to me and preemptively asks me not to switch him over to another teacher and promises to be better

- the old lady who takes my 15 pound gym bag and places it on her lap because the bus is over-flowing with people and I'm having difficulty standing with the weight on my shoulder

- late nights in May's room, curled up under blankets watching absolutely terrible films, but enjoying the necessary laughs after a long day

- the banana-smoothie lady on Soi 6 who knows what I need without my needing to say a word

- fire-dancers and other Koh Samet adventures with Kim and Jahnavi

- well-timed letters and postcards from loved ones from home (thanks Katie and Chi-Chi - yes Chi-Chi, your silly postcard FINALLY made it over here)

- notes/emails/facebook messages of encouragement

- loving and being loved

Love Letter

My darling T,

Every day that I'm not with you tears at just a little piece of my heart. I may be older but I still look up to your strength and patience. Life is tough and it's only going to get tougher but you are the most amazing person I've ever known and I know that you can handle whatever is thrown at you. Always hold your head up high because you are loved and precious.

There is no better friend than a sister. And there is no better sister than you.

Love,
Big Sis

Phuket

I think I'm going stir-crazy in Bangkok.

I've had such an amazing time here this holiday and am barely regretful for not leaving Thailand or even Bangkok to explore the world just around me.

Nevertheless, I think I should at least get out of the city limits for a few days, so I am considering going to Phuket - a friend has offered the use of a beach house and it would just be me, my book, and the ocean.


Phuket

Sounds nice.

Things that make me angry

...70 year old European men and 16 year old Thai girls
...men who take children from their homes and force them to beg on the streets of Bangkok
...parents who sell their little girls to work in the brothels and massage parlours of Bangkok
...S**

Who is S** you might ask? Well, firstly, his name is censored because he's a friend of a good friend of mine and I'd rather not ruin relations between me and her.

Last night was the goodbye party of another friend of mine who is leaving Bangkok. We hung out at Cheap Charlie's and then went of to Bed Supper for what was to be a fun night of dancing and making the most of our time with our departing friend.

S** was introduced to me (and then quickly abandoned by my dear 'friend') and subsequently spent the remainder of the time at my heels, following me at every turn. At first Kim and I didn't mind because no one likes to be by themselves while everyone is having a great time. Unfortunately, with every drink he tried to assert himself onto me more aggressively and at this point, Kim and I started taking bathroom breaks every 5 minutes.

When we came back from what seemed like our 20th trip to the restroom, S** slithered right next to me on the couch and whispered the words that almost sent him to the hospital that night.

"Did you know that every white man secretly dreams of sleeping with a black girl?"

...
...
...
...

I don't think I've ever risen to my feet so quickly in my life. I don't know if Kim was pulling or if I was pushing but I knew that if I didn't step away from this man, I would end up doing something that, while I would probably never regret, would probably land me in trouble I never wanted.

WTF S**?! WTF?! ;alkjfka;ldfkjdkfj;lasjdfkajs;ldkfjalwij;lwirejiejfr;lkafl;ksjdfkjal;djflkifw

I'm sorry, I don't even know what to say.

Screw you Vietnam!

...yeah, I said it.

In a week that has been a daily dose of disappointment, I am further saddened to report what I have unofficially called "The last thing that could go wrong".

Amidst the work and personal stress, the one thing that had been the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel' was my four-day trip to Hanoi with Bobbi.

On Friday, I took our passports and Visa application to the Embassy of Vietnam to get our visas. The trip to get there was exhausting and tiring and I was still smarting from the aforementioned events of the past few days.

I was thankful that there was only one other couple in front of me when I arrived so I patiently waited my turn. I got to the counter and passed along our passports, visa application, and monies. She looked at me, looked back at the visas, looked at me, and looked back. Then, with a slightly malicious smile in her eyes, she told me that I, personally, would need special permission from the Foreign Ministry of Vietnam allowing me to enter the country before they could process my visa application.

Blink. Blink.

I don't think the couple next to me (who had just gotten their visas processed) could have done a double-glance faster than the one they did. They met my eyes in this sort of mutual embarrassment and confusion.

I took a few deep breaths and began to relay my lack of understanding regarding this *special* requirement as it was not listed anywhere on the website that Bobbi and I perused over to ensure that nothing was missing from our application. Nevertheless, the vicious lady was insistent that this was required for all tourists to Vietnam (the couple next to me is begin to give looks of outrage at this point in time).

After the week of hell that I had already suffered through, I lacked the energy or desire to argue with the lady in that storefront of an embassy. I collected my things and left. It took me over an hour to get back to the school due to all the traffic and upon getting there I discovered, as I already knew, from other teachers who had been to Vietnam that the letter of permission was one hundred percent bullshit. I had a mini-breakdown of sorts in the English office soon thereafter.

That was Friday. Today (Monday) would have been the last possible day for Bobbi and I to make another attempt at our visas. Upon discussing it, we both essentially agreed that we didn't think it was worth the money we would have to put in for the visas (as well as the ridiculous sum to get our passports expedited in order to have them back to us tomorrow in time for our trip). Furthermore, so many of our friends had been taken for a ride so many times at that embassy (such as one person having to pay a substantial amount more for a visa than her fellow traveler). As such, we made the painful decision that we would rather our already-paid-for plane tickets go to waste than to sink any more money into a trip that would have left us bitter and disgusted.

This has been my most disappointing period of time in Bangkok. I am now left with 3 wonderful weeks of from school which will be spent, almost certainly, doing absolutely nothing.

Complacency

"On an altar of prejudice we crucify our own, yet the blood of all children is the color of God.”
- Don Williams Jr.

Before I begin with a story that has brought a semi-permanent cloud over my normally sunny disposition, I must give you a bit of the back story. One of our dear teachers in Prathom (where they teach students from 1-6th grade) has to leave Bangkok at the end of October and so the department is trying to figure out who will take her classes at the beginning of next term.

Enter in Dwight - he's taught at Mattayom (where I teach) previously, he speaks Thai, he's got a great personality, all the kids love him here, and he's well-liked by both Mattayom AND Prathom teachers. Geoffrey, our British guardian, recommended Dwight to the head of the English department at Prathom and they both went over there yesterday morning to talk to the English head about Dwight taking over the class. The man looked at Geoffrey and, disregarding Dwight's obvious credentials and qualifications, told him that he would not take Dwight because he might scare the children.

Dwight is black.

Before I came to Thailand I had been warned that there is a thinly veiled current of prejudice that runs through its society. It comes as no surprise to me after being here since this is a society that worships an eerily pale complexion and where whitening ingredients are found in every bath and beauty product.

Nevertheless, this is a school. Schools are to be the fount of education not the swamps of ignorance. I teach in Mattayom, just steps away from Prathom, and my race has never been an issue. The students love me and some of the teachers here are almost like family. What makes the children in P6 (6th grade), that a person like me would not be able to teach, any different from a M1 (7th grade) student that I am?

Perhaps the department head's response simply sprung out of hundreds of years of social conditioning. It is not forgivable but is certainly more understandable BUT I cannot forgive nor understand the response of some of my fellow teachers.

Two of the seven Prathom teachers were righteously indignant over the prejudicial attitude that was exhibited that day. Unfortunately, when discussing the situation with some of their fellow teachers, they received comments like "Oh, that's just the way it is" and "It's Thailand" and even "Oh, we're from Texas we deal with racism."

Pardon me while I am ill.

No, YOU do not deal with racism. You are complacent and are part of a broken system that would deny a person's rights because of the color of their skin. The phrase "that's just their culture" is enough to send thoughts of violence streaming through my head. It is one thing to honor a culture by accepting their ways of doing things, using their greetings, speaking their language, and acting in a polite manner befitting your position. But NEVER can and will simple, universal, human ethics be bound by culture.

Child prostitution is wrong, forced female circumcision is wrong, sexual abuse of children is wrong, racism and prejudice ARE wrong. From New York to Bangkok, these things are wrong and inexcusable.

The attitude of culturally brainwashed people is understandable, the complacency of my fellow, educated Americans is unforgivable. To say that cultural racism is okay is to relegate my life - and the lives of any others that are faced with daily racism, prejudice, and discrimination - to one of inconsequence. A life where my happiness and freedom are whims of whatever society I may find myself in and one in which my feelings, hopes, dreams, and ideas have no bearing.

Perhaps this is not what they meant, but this is what they have said, and this is what they have done.

Almost there...

It's official, Bobbi and I have booked our flights to Hanoi for a few days in October.

I'm extremely excited - I was worried that I would spend the entirety of my break here in Bangkok but it's good to know that I'll get to go away for at least a little while.

Now, all I have to do is get through proctoring final exams and a ridiculous amount of grading but it will be worth it for this...



Hanoi, Vietnam

Thoughts

The gentle breeze
Of early spring
Always rings
In the midnight air

O mother bird
Gently crows
To the morning sun
The gentle breeze

The smell of spring
So fresh and sweet
Flowers blooming
Motors booming

And early birds
Chirp and sing
Always ring
As spring passes by

With a sign.

My old middle school friend, Jonathan, sent me an email filled with poems that I had written during that early stage of life. A time when things seemed easier and I had more time to indulge in my love of writing.

Life continues to pass by easily here in Bangkok. We have begun our last week of classes as we ease into finals and then the 3 week break in October. The holiday looms on the horizon and I still remain unsure as to how best to take advantage of it. My initial plans have fallen by the wayside and the thought of such free time just spent in Bangkok seems unnerving.

Things have settled down greatly since my last blog. The PM has been removed from office and, while the protesters maintain that they will not concede until all members of his party are removed also, the air is not heavy with tension.

As we enter into the last couple of weeks of September, it strikes me that I have been here for 4 months now. Some days it feels longer. Some shorter. Bangkok and I have settled into each other like a body and a worn-out couch - some days I grow tired and restless but most days I'm content to settle in, usually with a good book these days.

Violent Mob/State of Emergency

UPDATE:

A State of emergency has been declared in Bankgok - the first use of this controversial law since it was passed last year. Taken from the Bangkok Post website:

Prime Minister Samak Sundaravej on Tuesday imposed a state of emergency after overnight clashes between pro- and anti-government protesters left one person dead and dozens injured. The military has full police powers effective immediately, and army commander Gen Anupong Paojinda is in charge of security.

I'll be sure to keep everyone updated once I have more information.

Dear Readers,

Although we had school on Monday (for the first time in a week), we received a call just under 30 minutes ago (5:45 am - Bangkok time) that school would be canceled today. We found out that the two opposing protest groups (one pro-government and the other anti) got into a fight earlier this morning and the results were that 1 person was killed and another 34 were injured - 4 in critical condition. The army intervened and both sides have now retreated from one another. The disturbing thing about this fight is that the person was killed with a shot to the head. This is disturbing in that the protestors were not supposed to have guns in the first place. This puts the situation in a higher level of escalation. We have been advised to stay close to the apartment and not wander off - an advice that I'm sure we will heed very well.

I'll keep you updated as soon as I have more information. I'm sure everything will be fine as the protesters are contained to one certain part of the city (which unfortunately just happens to be at the school where we teach). Neverthless, do keep us in your prayers.

Lots of love.

Mob: 3 School: 0

UPDATE(Thursday 28 August): School is now canceled for the 3rd day and apparently arrest warrants have been issues for the core leaders of the PAD (the mob). Perhaps there is an end in sight, but who really knows?
*************************************************************************************************************
So, today is the second day that classes have been canceled due to the ongoing protest at the Government House.

I found a really good and concise ARTICLE on yahoo that summarizes the current situation.

If you're too much of a bum to read the article, this is the main scoop:

In 2006 there was a coup, run by the military and assisted by the PAD (the mob/protestors), the coup removed then Prime Minister Thaksin

January 2008 the current government was put in place.

Decisions were made since then that have convinced the PAD that the current PM Samak is really under the control of Thaksin.

Thus, the PAD is now trying to get Samak to resign and dissolve the government, so they have now taken siege of the Government house and broke into a TV station, taking control of it also.

In conclusion, the PAD maintain that they will not leave until Samak resigns and Samak maintains that he has no intention of doing so.

What does this mean for me? I have no idea. It is impossible for us to have school as long as the protesters remain there because I teach at the Palace which is located right next to the Government house. Furthermore, many of the students parents are involved with the Government that the mob is demanding to leave - so it's not the safest situation for them either.

So...I'm just trying to enjoy this holiday and ignore the sounds of impending doom because surely something's got to give - I just don't want to be around if/when it does.

Protest Part Deux

School. Canceled. Mob. Palace.

Refer back to a would-be-similar post for any possible questions.

Under Construction

"My road to success is under construction"

I was finishing up my usual stint on facebook when I came across this bumper sticker.

I paused.

Something about those seven words struck a nerve in me. Perhaps it's the fact that my facebook news-feed has been beseiged with recent news of my numerous friends beginning the next stage of their lives in medical school.

It's August and I am not there...where perhaps I ought to be...but instead I am 9,000 miles away in a country I don't understand, with people I've never known, working a job that I never prepared for.

I've justified it by saying that I'm on a great adventure - one that most of my peers will never be able to experience and one from which I will carry memories to last a lifetime. But everday, I am sieged with a fear - perhaps irrational - that those doors are closing for me. Every moment spent in Bangkok, I fear, is one that takes me further away from the future I so neatly planned out for myself at the age of 6.

In my heart of hearts I know that this is not true. I know that my life will be waiting for me whenever the time comes that I am ready to return to it. In all honesty, I think my heart is just breaking because I feel that I am just watching everyone else evolve into who they are to become, while I am here... wading in the kiddie pool entitled 'life experiences'.

There is a quote by Alan Cohen that I try to keep close to my heart when these moments of doubts and insecurities come (and they do come often...):

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

The fact is I am afraid that I am just running away because I won't cut it in that world.

I am afraid of being the one that fails.

Ratchada 42

An evening at Ratchada 42

Aey’s home, my retreat

The task at hand is dinner. Aey and I head towards her black Toyota Camry, I walk a little further down the driveway to pull back the iron wrought gate… I leave it open because the little market is just right down the street.

We arrive to get the essentials – chicken, squid, peppers, spices, tomatoes, and vanilla ice-cream (my doing of course).

We exit the car and are greeted with the laughter of the neighborhood kids gathered around the market, soccer balls in tow. I feel myself the subject of curious, timid glances; I smile back because they are not the unrelenting, impertinent gazes I am usually on the receiving end of here in Bangkok – they smile back…and scatter.

Purchases in hand, we head back to the car and back to Aey’s family home – a quiet, unassuming house draped in foliage in the midst of the cold concrete of Bangkok. We head to the kitchen. The sun hangs midway on the horizon, leaving the kitchen caught between the heavy humidity of the day and the ever-so-slight cool of the evening. My job is to wash the vegetables. I sheepishly admit to Aey that I don’t do much cooking, nor am I good at it even when I try. She holds back her laughter when I ask if I am to peel the lettuce as I try to wash it. She channels my mother when she asks me what I will do when I have a husband. Her giggles give way to a loud guffaw when I send back my now well-memorized reply,

“He will have to cook for me.”

Aside from this exchange, much of the time is spent in silence. I am concentrating as much as is humanly possible on my vegetables while Aey works her quiet magic on the chicken. Pleasant minutes pass and Aey’s friend Cam enters into the kitchen. The vegetables eventually pass Aey’s scrutiny and I am reassigned to the task of grinding the pepper seeds and garlic… with a mortar and pistle. My station overlooks the backyard and the sound of the pistle cracking against the seeds harkens back to my few kept memories of Nigeria. The sun is almost gone now and we are rewarded with a cool breeze that flows through the open windows.

The calm is broken when Cam enters into a barrage of Thai and Aey, in response, has almost doubled up in laughter. “Your butt dances while you grind the pepper” Aey manages to get out (in Thai-lish – the hybrid language that we usually engage in amongst ourselves). Cam joins in when I respond “There’s not much that I’m doing that my butt doesn’t dance to…” The silence is permanently severed but is replaced by quick whispers and cheek-spliting references to events from the night before. Cam is piling up dishes and silverware, Aey taste-tests each of her quickly prepared delicious dishes, and I have my hands wrapped around my ice-cream cone – a reward for a job well done.

With darkness to our backs, the beckoning voice of Damien Rice lulls our company into the dining room. We set our creations on the table and glance back and forth towards one another, thankful. As we each take our seats, before I set my mind and mouth on the first of many dishes, I think out a quick make-shift prayer – I pray for you my friends, my family, my loved-ones. I pray that I am on your heart as much as you are on mine, and I hope that God is so graciously blessing your lives as he does mine…everyday…as I am so blessed and lucky for the people He so wonderfully brings into my life. I pray for you, I miss you.

Amen.

Mindscrew

It's 11:49 pm BKK time and I'd really like to take this time to write a wonderful, meaningful post about my life over the past week.

But...

I just saw THE DARK KNIGHT and Christopher Nolan has destroyed my brain and left me with just enough to get home and get to bed, so I'm going to do that now.

Update later...perhaps much later. :D

In other words, go see that movie right now!

Busy Busy Busy

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry that my posting has been lax as of late, but I truly have not had the spare minutes to sit and write a meaningful post. Even now, I am writing amidst the mountain of work I have to prepare today for the days ahead. We are in the throes of midterm season; preparing tests, putting together grades, and the like. As such, my days are fully devoted to school and my evenings are spent running around Bangkok taking care of menial things like buying tissue paper, but then also trying to spend times with my growing number of Thai friends whom I obviously do not have the enjoyment of seeing during the daytime.

This past weekend (4th of July), me and some other teachers - Nick, Kim, and Marisa - went to Koh Samet; one of the plentiful and beautiful Thai islands. Moreover, the cost of the entire trip (transportation, hotel stay, food and drinks) was the equivalent of 60 USD. So, I think you should all come visit me and we shall go island-hopping okay?? :D Koh Samet is very close by, only a 2 hour van ride and a ferry to leave the grey, polluted skies of Bangkok for the white sands and blue water of Koh Samet island. I had an amazing time and I daresay I had greater shock going from Koh Samet back to Bangkok than from the USA to Thailand. :D This computer isn't allowing me to put up pictures right now, so I will do so another time.

Ah well... as I said, we are in the throes of midterms. I am so looking forward to next week because we have a four-day weekend! Plus, I don't teach on Wednesdays, so I will only be teaching on Monday because my students will be taking a listening test on Tuesday... whoo! :D I am excited about the four-day weekend because I am going with my same beach-group to Koh Chang (Elephant Island), it's renowned for it's beautiful waterfalls!

But, till then I must suffer under the strain of school work. I seriously have been averaging 4 hours a night these days, like college life but not... lol. I'm still waiting to get letters/postcards/anything-snail-mail-related from someone (thanks to dear Tom who sent me a web cam last month)... so get on it people! :D

Miss you all!

A month in review...

Dear Readers,

I can hardly believe that I have been here in Thailand for a month now. It feels like the days have simply flown by. During the past week, it has been quite difficult for me to update given the ever increasing preparation and grading for classes as well as my constantly fluctuating illnesses. My recent bout as of late has been with my asthma; in the US my asthma was confined to overexertion due to exercise or random problems with breathing. However, Bangkok's permeating pollution has made everyday breathing a task in itself. It got to the point where I woke up once in the middle of the night simply unable to catch my breath for what seemed like unbearable minutes. I went to the palace clinic a few days ago where I was given a cornucopia of medicine - 1. Ventolin Evohaler - contains 100 micrograms salbutamol 2. Symbicort Turbuhaler 3. NAC long Acetylcysteine4. Lolergy 5. Diphenyl Expectorant Syrup... the first day on the medications was wretched and I wondered if I had not made a worse decision in taking the meds than in simply suffering through. However, I have now been on the meds for 3 days and am happy to note that I am almost able to take a deep breath without chest pains or succumbing to a coughing fit.

After all this, the sicknesses and the craziness of Bangkok, a month into it I can say that it's one of the best decisions I think I have made. There are moments of extreme homesickness (more the loss of a general surrounding of friends and family rather than any particular home or city), but these are farther and fewer between. There is something to be learned about myself here in Bangkok and I do believe that I am beginning to see that. I think, for now, my greatest challenge to be learned here is to be still. Ever since I can remember, my life has been a series of tasks after the other. My time at Baylor was spent flitting from classes to jobs to meetings to social events on repeat 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It got to the point where the simple, few hours on a Sunday afternoon - when I did not have much to do - became unbearable to my restless spirit. This past semester I managed to juggle 19 upperclassmen hours, 2 jobs, friends, and a number of extracurricular commitments and eked out straight As. It was a great accomplishment, but...

I think I kept myself so busy because I did not know how to be me when no one else was around, when I wasn't teaching, or helping, or running around, or being the crazy Star that everyone was so familiar with. I lost track of the Star who used to be content to sit in a corner, with a good book, or a piece of paper and pen, and let her mind run free. I am finding her here again in Bangkok. Amid this bustling, crowded city, this chance to be farang (foreigner) is giving me another chance to find the familiar that is somewhere within me.

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong

Back to School

Another day of school today. I'm actually glad that we are able to have school again because I was getting antsy having all of that free time to myself.

In other news, unfortunately, I am getting sick again. I think it is the combination of 4 years' worth of exhaustion, the terrible Bangkok humidity and pollution, and dejectedness.

In other other news, I have gotten to know some really great Thai people, Skip and Aey, Skip works for a hotel events company and Aey is a costume stylist who has her own clothing shop! Aey has so kindly invited me to the MTV2 party going on in BKK tonight, hosted by a client of hers, and I am really excited; perhaps I will even spy some celebs!

That's all for now and it's back to class. Have a good day everyone.

Protest Update

Given the time difference, most of you who are reading this are still asleep but I figured that I would give you on update on the situation. This was taken from the Bangkok Post online and was in the breaking news section:

Protesters pass last barricade, heading to Govt House

(BangkokPost.com) - Some 1,000 protesters were able to pass through police barricade at Misakawan intersection, the last blockade to reach the Government House at around 2pm Friday.

Hundreds of police were at the intersection while police trucks were left in the middle of the Phitsanulok Road to block protesters.

But protesters tried to overturn a police truck that block the way with bare hands. They were finally able to get through the trucks and march to the Government House, where other protesters were expected to join them

Furthermore,

Friday showdown: PAD v police

"If they try to break through using flag poles, baseball bats or other objects they will be regarded as using weapons... Police will take action according to international crowd control principles." - Pol Maj-Gen Surapol Thuanthong, deputy police spokesman

Police said on Thursday they will not allow protesters from the People's Alliance for Democracy move to Government House or parliament on Friday.

The PAD said it would push forward with its plans to move its rally from the Makkhawan Rangsan Bridge early on Friday afternoon, and defied the police to arrest its leaders.

Core PAD organiser Maj-Gen Chamlong said the group had every right to move to Government House, but promised no one would go inside - "even if gates may be open for us. Our aim is not to lay siege to Government House but to show our force,"

At Government House, a siege mentality set it. Non-essential workers were told to take Friday off, and other workers were warned not to park their cars in the compound.

All schools in the area of Government House were ordered shut for Friday.

"All schools" includes Chitralada Palace school... waiting to see how this develops...

Wai Kru Day/Protestors

Sorry that there have been so many days between posts - Life has just gotten unimaginably busy. The acute feelings of lonliness have abated but every now and then I still get twinges and miss my friends, family, and the like. Nevertheless, what have I been up to for the past few days?? School, of course! We are in the middle of testing and if you thought that taking a test was hard, you should try making the test up yourself unaided as well as grading them! The unfortunate thing about teaching the older students is that we are responsible for creating quizzes, tests, and any activity or work sheets that we want them to do. It's nice because we don't have to adhere to a particular style of teaching but it's also unnerving when you are like me - completely clueless to the art of teaching. I didn't know who was more nervous when I administered my first test ever to my M3 students - me or the students; I didn't want the tests to be too hard but I didn't want them all getting 100s either because that just meant that they didn't actually learn anything. Tomorrow was supposed to be test day for my M2 students but I'll get to why that won't be the case in a little bit.

One of the things that I have grown to love most here in BKK in the enormous respect that the students have for their teachers. Students wai everytime they see a teacher (see an older post for the definition of wai) and really hold them in high regard. This is most evident in something they have at the palace school called "Wai Kru Day" which means Wai Teacher Day. There are two separate ceremonies, the first being for M1-3 and then for M4-6. All of the teachers who teach students in that particular grade sit up on the stage and all of the students from that grade sit in the audience. They then present flowers, one row of boys and girls at a time, and then wai the teachers after they lay down their flowers in front of us. After everyone has done so, a student comes up and speaks about how loved and important the teachers are to them (the entire ceremony is done in Thai mind you...translations are thanks a sweet teacher named Tip). After this, all of the students sing a song about teachers and respect for teachers and then they wai us again as we walk off the stage. I went to both ceremonies since I have students in M2, 3, and 5. I got goosebumps during the ceremonies because the sincerity of the students is so evident. The way America disregards its teachers has always been a saddening thought for me, but after seeing the way students have such honor for their teachers here, it truly magnified the terrible situation back home. Additionally, the crown prince's daughter, who graduated from the school last year, came back for the ceremony and we all got to meet her and speak with her - my first intimate taste of Thai royalty! :D The students have almost all of their classes cancelled for the whole day and they are free to give flowers to their favorite teachers throughout the course of the day. Even though I have only known these students for about 3 weeks, I was lucky enough to receive some purple/white orchids as well as some pink roses...

Then, the craziness hit. I was sitting in the English Dept. room preparing for my classes tomorrow when one of the secretaries came in to inform us that school would be closed and classes would be cancelled tomorrow due to the government protestors that have been slowly inching their way towards the palace. The People's Alliance for Democracy has been protesting in various places since I arrived in BKK but now they have brought their protest to the palace doors and the school wants to be cautious because many of the students here are from extremely important families in Thailand and it would be disastrous if something were to happen to them, additionally there are several members of the royal family in attendance here...

This means that my M2 kids are lucky because their test will be postponed till next week. The protestors themselves aren't dangerous so I'm not scared or anything - rather I am excited about having my first 3 day weekend...these things just don't happen in the States.

That's all for now and I'll be sure to update if I hear anything else regarding the situation.

All my love.

Lost in Translation

Thank you for all of your comments and well-wishes. Fyi Caroline, I was wearing flats! I went to the palace clinic and they took some xrays and ascertained that I did not break anything but merely sprained my wrist and inflammed a number of the muscles on my back. I've been put on some pain medication as well as muscle relaxants.

In other news, I think that it's finally beginning to hit me that I'm 9000 miles away from everything and everyone that I consider home. As I sat here in front of the computer in the teacher's room with my papers to grade strewn all about me, surrounded by the gaggle of voices chattering away in a language that I could not begin to understand, with the sounds of Sigur Ros in my ears - it hit me.

For the time being at least, it's a sad and lonely feeling.

I almost died last night...

Every time I use the BTS (aboveground subway), when I get off at the stop from which I walk home, I always encounter the stairs of death - as we have all termed it. It is a very steep staircase, complete with small, broken steps that are so slippery.

Last night, I was coming home with Bobbi and Stacie and I was taking my time gingerly on these steps but I must have stepped on a broken piece because I then found myself falling with my back on the steps and bumping down from the top of the stairs to the bottom. Thankfully I did not hit my head - I landed on my back. I've come away with some severe back and ankle pains as well as numerous cuts and bruises. Most thankfully of all, I don't believe anything is broken but I will be going to the clinic today to make sure.

Your warm thoughts and well-wishes would be greatly appreciated.

Ayutthaya

This weekend, I went along with some of the teachers from California and two Thai teachers they knew from back home to visit the ancient city of Ayutthaya. It was the former capital from 1350 - 1767 (when it was destroyed by the Burmese army), after which the capital was moved to Bangkok. Ayutthaya is about an hour and a half from where I live in Bangkok.

I was really excited, firstly, about the prospect of riding elephants there but by the time we got there and I watched all of the tricks they made them do and saw how malnourished they looked - I didn't have the heart for it. I've never considered myself an overly sensitive person, but I almost stated crying when the Thai teachers asked me if I wanted to go ride one.


One of the malnourished-looking elephants...


The elephant that made me cry...

After the elephants, we went and visited a number of ancient Wats...they were all absolutely breathtaking, so I'll leave you with some of my favorites from the day...


Me & some of the girls as we first set out to Ayutthaya


Wihan Phra Mongkhon Bophit - one of the largest Buddhas in Thailand; it stands 55.6 feet high!


I barely even look like myself in this picture...the flower is from the trees at the Wat and is supposed to be good luck


The Reclining Buddha, located at the Wat Yai Chaimongkhon


Longer view of the Reclining Buddha


Taken at the same Wat Yai Chaimongkhon


Taken at the same Wat Yai Chaimongkhon


Wat Chai Watthanaram


This was also taken at the Wat Chai Watthanaram


Also at the Wat Chai Watthanaram


The Wat Chai Watthanaram at sunset

And that's all she wrote...see you next time!

Address and other things...

Mostly written as an addendum to the previous post and for Tiffany who is the only one who has been so sweet to have asked for it so far, my address is:

Star Tiko-Okoye
Mattayom English Department
Chitralada School
Chitralada Palace
Dusit, Bangkok 10303
Thailand

Write letters, send packages (not FedEx or UPS since there is a charge for me to pick it up) through regular mail...I'd love to hear from the other side of the world through non-virtual means...

In other news, one of the Thai teachers wants me to tutor her child (who isn't even one of my students)...maybe they are starting to like me after all!!

Later.

A Day Off

Although it has only begun for a few days, this has been a week of many ups and downs. I began to lose my voice at the end of last week, but by Monday my throat was in a lot of pain and I was taken to see the clinic on the palace grounds – I was then informed by the doctor (sorry to gross you out) that my tonsils are covered in pus…The way I figure it, I have some sort of strep throat but I do not have many of the common symptoms that accompany it. Monday and Tuesday were then horrid with having to deal with teaching while wanting to do nothing but rest. On Tuesday afternoon, Chiraporn informed me that she wanted me to stay home – since I do not teach any classes on Wednesday – and rest so that my antibiotics would be given the time to kick in – for my sake and everyone else’s.

Normally, a day home to do nothing but rest would seem like a blast to anyone else. However, those of you who know me are aware that I detest having nothing to do. Furthermore, my bathroom is currently being blown to bits because there is no water pressure coming from the shower head (I’ve been using dear Angelica’s shower for the past week) and my internet is currently not working so I am not even able to spend time talking to friends and family.

I feel well enough to go exploring around BKK, but the skies look ominous (it rains at least once a day everyday) and I’m sure that my complete lack of knowledge regarding my whereabouts would land me in a significant amount of trouble. It is unfortunate because there is so much I want to see and do, but so far I have been restricted to the same familiar sites…but I try to pace myself with the knowledge that I am not simply here for a short period of time – I am not a tourist – but rather, I have committed myself for the somewhat long term to BKK and I will be able to see all I want to see in due time.

Nevertheless, I look forward to the weekend because I hope to visit the area around the river and visit the floating market and some of the Wats in that area of BKK. Furthermore, I am going to watch a Muay Thai fight with a friend that I met towards the end of last week – so I am very excited about that. Till then, I will take my medicines and hope that the coughs will eventually subside enough for me to stay asleep at night.

Lots of love.

Surreal

Hello faithful readers, your sweet encouragement has been such an aid during this first week of classes. I have never been more thankful for a Friday evening, but I'm sure I will be saying that numerous times over the next coming weeks. How to describe teaching in Bangkok...firstly, there are two different aspects of the school at the palace - Prathom and Mattayom, I teach the latter which consists of 7th - 12th graders. I teach the equivalent of 8th, 9th, and 11th graders but their English levels are more consistent with US students at least 2 grades below. So far, my biggest trouble seems to be with my 9th graders and not even the boys, it's usually the girls... I'm not sure how to explain it but my boys are seemingly well behaved and try to be of help to me in the class.

The most frustrating thing about teaching there is that we are on our own to create all of our own lesson plans. We are given the books and told when the tests are but it is entirely up to us to create a curriculum and to know how we want to teach each class. For someone who never even stepped foot into an education classroom, I daresay that this has been the most challenging aspect. Luckily, I share 6 of my 9 classes with a wonderful girl from Sacramento named Angelica, our personalities clicked from the moment we met and there is hardly a moment where we are not together. The first couple of days were indeed the hardest but I am starting to warm to the students just as much as they are to me and I'm sure that within a month I will be gushing non stop about them.

In the same way, I hope that more of the teachers will begin to warm up to us. A few have reached out to us and it has been such a joy getting to know them. I don't know what I would have done without Chiraporn, Tip, Namtip, and Suttida...just to name a few. We are also graced with an elderly British man named Geoffrey who brings hilarity to our English office every morning with his dry wit and hilarious dance moves. Nevertheless, this all continues to seem so surreal to me...every morning when I leave the enclave of our English-speaking office, I step into a world where everything is so different and I always feel like I am in the wrong. I want to get to know the other teachers so Angelica and I are determined to meet some of the ones who are similar in age to us.

In other news, this weekend will be filled with trips to the vast weekend market in Southern Bangkok (the school has a very strict dress code and we have all been swapping shirts amongst ourselves to keep from getting in trouble). We are also having a dinner at the Person's - an American family, who graduated from Baylor, that has been in Bangkok for 17 years - they have invited all of the American teachers at the Palace school as well as the Baylor teachers that are elsewhere in Thailand. I daresay that it will be a fresh of breath air to have an easy conversation with those around me. But, I am enjoying learning some of the few Thai phrases that I have picked up from the wonderful woman named Sai who owns the convenience store on the 1st floor of the hotel... I'll leave you with the remainder of the pictures that I did not get to put up earlier.

Pop kan mai!
(See you later)

Star


Ronald McDonald is doing the "wai". Whenever you greet someone, especially elders, you "wai" them - you put your hands together and lower your head while saying 'Sawatdee kha' (kha if you are woman and krop if you are a man) which means hello.


The view from the Wat Saket temple...beautiful!


Part of the temple...there is so much architectural beauty in Bangkok...


The bells near the top of the Wat - that means temple


Trees on the grounds of the Wat


7-11! There are as many of these in BKK as there are Starbucks in America...at least 2 on every corner. You can get anything here and they are open 24 hours a day so they come in handy!


The traffic in BKK is as colorful as the city itself! Check out those taxis!

Bangkok Blues

Firstly, thanks a ton to those of you who always leave such wonderful comments, you really don't know how much they help me to make me feel better.

I'm sorry I have been so lax on the blogging but the last few days have been simply intense so I'll have to give brief synopses...

Things I've noticed about Bangkok:
- it initially smells like curry, then like curry and pollution at the same time... there really is no way to describe it other than seeing it for yourself
- the traffic is horrific! Think of NYC traffic but just a little bit more nuts and you have BKK (Bangkok)
- mosquito bites are a way of life - I have at least 5 bites on me at one time and I'm slowly learning to ignore them
- A/C is a luxury that I cannot afford, thank goodness for my trusty fan which I use to keep from sweating all over my sheets at night...
- the people are nice and mean at the same time
BKKers have a love affair with white skin (which I was warned about before I got there), but I have people that are really nice to me and then I've had the occasional schoolgirls literally jump out of my way when I'm approaching them - as if I am planning on eating them alive... at first it was bothersome but i'm slowly starting to ignore it.
This isn't just a problem on the streets but also at the school where I teach. I am the only Baylor student teaching the older kids (7th - 12th grade) and all 5 other students are teaching 1st - 6th grade, and I found out that is because the parents of the younger kids are extremely discriminatory against dark-skinned teachers. It hurts, but I've learned to put these feelings aside.

I've had a great time exploring BKK and there really is so much to see, I wish I had more time to detail things out but even though I just got back from school, I have to run out the door to get supplies for tomorrow. Nevertheless, tonight I will try to update the blog with my school adventures for which there is one word - horrible! But for now, I will entertain you with some pictures I've taken so far! Lots of love!



My little bedroom! It's a one room with the bed right there in the middle of the room and a dresser (not pictured), a little desk, a closet, and a bathroom (thankfully in another room!)



The view from one of my windows...BKK is extremely packed with tons and tons of buildings!


Another view from another set of windows...I love all of the green, but there is also a nasty, algae-filled pool down below those set of trees...but I chose to ignore that in this shot :)




Ahhh!!!! Aliens and one of them is giving birth!!! Not really, these are Rambutan! They are an awesome fruit and you eat them by squeezing that crazy looking shell till it pops open and then you nibble around the outside of the fleshy fruit part but you don't want to bite in because there's a big seed in the middle!

Well, that's all for now but I've got tons more where those came from but I have to have something to keep you reading this blog for! :)

Till next time!

I'm here!

Hey everyone,

I'm so glad to report that I landed at the Bangkok International Airport around 11:10 pm Friday, May 23rd. For those of you who are interested, the time difference between Bangkok and Houston is 12 hours - Bangkok is 12 hours ahead so right now it is 10:24 am on Saturday for me and 10:24 pm on Friday for you...freaky isn't it?? Last night was incredibly lonely, I won't lie. After all of the craziness that happened, I wish I would have had more time to spend with friends and family but I am searching for the silver lining instead. Today, I am off to explore Bangkok with another Baylor student named Christa who has been sweet enough to help me out yesterday and today. I miss you all dearly and I will add some more pictures and other news when I can use my own computer ( I am currently using Christa's because the internet in my room has not yet been set up). Please leave tons of comments because they make me feel super happy and not alone.

Love you all.

There must be a reason...

The past five days have been some of the most emotional and confusion-wracked days I have had in a while. I'm supposed to be in Bangkok right now...but I'm not...but thankfully I will be.

Thursday: I got a call from Professor Kay (the lady in charge of all of this) saying that the Thai Consulate in Houston could not process my visa there because I'm a permanent resident. This fault falls considerably on her for not getting these visas started until just a few days before we were supposed to leave, but she has been so helpful that I feel guilty saying that. She then continues to tell me that she is contact with Congressman Chet Edward's office and they are working to find a way to get my visa done in Houston. My whole morning is thrown into a state of turmoil - the road to Thailand had thus far been such a breeze that this situation had me wondering if Thailand is where I was supposed to be after all. During the afternoon, Professor Kay informed me that we would be able to get the Thai Embassy in Washington D.C. to expedite my visa. This now meant that I would have to run around Houston picking up various needed documents and money as well as meet the 7pm final drop off time at FedEx. Somehow, with great thanks to Christi and Tom, we managed to get it done and I sent it off...with a huge sigh of relief.

Friday: When I woke up, I wasn't too worried...we sent off the package and I figured everything was going to be fine. Well, I tried contacting the lady at the Thai Embassy and she never picked up. I called her into the afternoon and she still didn't...well now I'm freaking out because the embassy closes at 3pm our time and I haven't heard from her by 2pm. I call Prf. Kay who also calls the Congressman's office and she is finally able to reach her at 2:30pm. THE PACKAGE HAS NOT BEEN RECEIVED ... words to strike a blow to anyone who has shipped off a package marked overnight delivery that contains her passport and green card. After five minutes of being upset, we look up the tracking number and find out that the lady signed for it at 9:28 am! Aha, the package is under Tom's name because he's the one that paid for it so we take that information back to Prf. Kay who passes it along to the lady in Washington and we are informed that the lady will do my visa in a record 45 minutes. We receive a call an hour later saying that the passport has been put in the FedEx drop box (1 hour before their final pick-up) to be received by myself on Saturday (Happy graduation...) I go back to Waco and to sleep with a rested heart.

Saturday: It is my turn to utter the words "the package has not been received"...even worse, using the tracking number, we find that the package has not even been scanned into the system meaning that it was never picked up from the drop box. This is not good. I was supposed to be on a plane early Monday morning to Bangkok but there is now no way that I will be able to receive this visa by Monday. Many hours are spent talking to various Fed Ex people who try to assure us that the drop box was picked up or that perhaps the tracking number we wrote down was wrong...neither of these are possibly correct. Compounded with the frustration of this situation is the fact that today was graduation, I'm surrounded by friends and family who want to spend time with me and all I want to do is scream.

Sunday: FedEx does not pick up on Saturdays from drop boxes so I was not expecting happy news. Instead, today revolved around moving my flight back. We found out that since I got the ticket at a special rate ($830), the same ticket on the same flight is now $2000. The penalty fee for changing the date was a whopping $800...albeit a fraction of the price change, it was still an impossible fee for me. Upon explaining the situation, I was finally able to talk the lady down to a $400 penalty fee, but I still did not know where I was going to get it from. This is where I am so grateful for the Millays and the way that their family has embraced me over the past four years. Tom's dad offered to pay for it (even though he already paid for the initial $830 ticket), what a blessing. Dr. Mueller was able to talk them down to $370 but that was the absolute lowest they were willing to go. She then offered to put in $100 of her own money, which would alleviate Mr. Tom's financial contribution. The money was settled, I was assured that my package would get here at least by Tuesday...so everything seemed set. However, later that night Dr. Mueller called to inform me that there may no longer be a position at the palace school for me anymore due to me having to miss most of orientation...this was such an emotional blow to me especially having spent the whole day working out details of the flight. Why was this happening? What more was wanted from me? I could not understand. I kept this new twist to mostly myself and a few others because I did not want to further frustrate those who were intimately involved with the situation. I went to bed with a very heavy heart.

Monday: I was supposed to be on a plane leaving DFW at 8am...but there is nothing more to say about that. We spent the day checking the tracking number but to no avail...it had still not been scanned. We called the Fed Ex people numerous times to explain the gravity of the situation and we were told to wait - wait, wait, wait...I did not have the emotional energy to wait. Finally, to get away from the nonsense, I had dinner with Dan and it was there that I received the text message from Tom at 6:55pm, "Thank you God! It was picked up! To be delivered tomorrow!" Such a burden was lifted from my heart because the package would be here and there was no foul play involved. However, the happiness was still tinged with sorrow because I did not know the status of my teacher position. Dr. Mueller sent off a page and a half email to the school detailing how I was not at fault and how we were simply at the mercy of other forces. While hanging out with some friends at Crickets, I received the call from Prf. Kay... I still had a job. They were very sorry for the unfortunate things that had happened and wanted me to forward my itinerary to them so that they were would be someone there to pick me up when I arrived on Friday evening. Only after that conversation could I let out my first real breath of thankful relief since the past five days.

I'm not sure why everything happened like this - I know there is a reason here but maybe it is not one that I am supposed to understand till I finally get to Thailand. I've had the feeling for a long time now that there is something life-changing for me in Thailand and perhaps I had to go through the frustration, anger, sadness, and anxiety of trying to get there that would prepare me for whatever it is I'm supposed to realize while I'm there. I didn't put this blog up earlier because I did not want everyone to be as on edge as I was but I am so happy to report the situation resolved.

Thursday, Thailand or bust.

Countdown

...and so it begins...

It's been so long since I've entered my thoughts into a format such as this but it seems like it will be the easiest way to keep everyone updated with my life in Bangkok.

For those of you that are behind, I'm moving to Thailand on May 19th 2008 to teach English at the Chitralada Palace school in Bangkok. I'll be teaching 7th - 12th graders and I daresay that I'm very nervous about it.

Well, it's back to packing since I'm working with a very limited timeframe - I can't believe I have to graduate and say goodbye to my friends, family, and the US all within the next 5 days.

I will miss you all.