"It's the notion that there is no perfection - that this is a broken world and we live with broken hearts and broken lives, but that is still no alibi for anything. On the contrary, you have to stand up and say Hallelujah under these circumstances."
I was in a car accident on Saturday night. We were straight through a light when another car turned left and rammed into us at a generous speed. I couldn't' say whose fault it was, both me and my friend Philip were engaged in heavy conversation. The force of the hit slammed my chest against the passenger seat in front of me, but through it all I was lucky enough to walk away with just some heavy thoracic inflammation/bruising as well as as a gash on my right leg. Thankfully, my friend suffered no ills aside from the shock that came the next day.
My head has not been in a good space. Most days over the last few weeks, I have intermittently experienced sensations akin to a cross between an anxiety attack and an acute bout of depression. The thought of the future pains me, leaving me almost prostrate with panic. I'm leaving Bangkok in 3.5 months. I know what it is I want to do next year but have no clue as to if I will actually accomplish it. The applications seem daunting, especially with my lack of access to a computer outside of school. Furthermore, there's just the fear that I won't be a doctor. That I'm not good enough, that I've just been kidding myself and fooling everyone else with the idea that I am capable.
I'm leaving Bangkok in 3.5 months and I'm scared. I'm terrified. I leave my apt and go for unnecessary outings because my head feels like someone has attached a helium tank to it and the whole thing is about to blow any second. But it doesn't, and it's not because of some inner strength that I have. It's because of my friends, the people around me. It's people like Alisa, Benish, Nathalie, & Nianne, that I can call/text, and say "What are you doing? Need to meet up asap" and that's enough for them to realize and understand my panicky call for help.
I'm not sure how to break out of this. I'm not sure how get out of my head and take the right steps. I don't even know which ones those are. It would be too easy to disappear, to forever live a life of mediocrity here, to never try to make it work.
You know, sometimes it's a very difficult thing to be happy, the world is full of things to keep you down. Lack of money, satisfaction, stimulation...But if you can find people, good people, that can make you smile, that can make you laugh, that can give you their hearts and the kinds of hugs that make you want to cry and melt into their arms, well...then you are blessed.
I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this post or for you to gain from it - maybe nothing. Perhaps just an insight into my head and the knowledge that I'm hurting.
But I'm trying.
Hallelujah.
