"My road to success is under construction"
I was finishing up my usual stint on facebook when I came across this bumper sticker.
I paused.
Something about those seven words struck a nerve in me. Perhaps it's the fact that my facebook news-feed has been beseiged with recent news of my numerous friends beginning the next stage of their lives in medical school.
It's August and I am not there...where perhaps I ought to be...but instead I am 9,000 miles away in a country I don't understand, with people I've never known, working a job that I never prepared for.
I've justified it by saying that I'm on a great adventure - one that most of my peers will never be able to experience and one from which I will carry memories to last a lifetime. But everday, I am sieged with a fear - perhaps irrational - that those doors are closing for me. Every moment spent in Bangkok, I fear, is one that takes me further away from the future I so neatly planned out for myself at the age of 6.
In my heart of hearts I know that this is not true. I know that my life will be waiting for me whenever the time comes that I am ready to return to it. In all honesty, I think my heart is just breaking because I feel that I am just watching everyone else evolve into who they are to become, while I am here... wading in the kiddie pool entitled 'life experiences'.
There is a quote by Alan Cohen that I try to keep close to my heart when these moments of doubts and insecurities come (and they do come often...):
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
The fact is I am afraid that I am just running away because I won't cut it in that world.
I am afraid of being the one that fails.
Monday, August 4, 2008
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3 comments:
That's a very common fear doll. To tell the truth, I kind of feel like thats what I did by joining the Navy. I ran away from the world to something I knew nothing about, just because I feared I wouldn't make it in the "real world". Thats also why I plan to get out & get in the game. Face my fear head on!
As you said, your life will still be there; waiting for you to take medicine and science by surprise! You know you're such a brillant young lady! Don't you ever doubt yourself!
It's funny you say all this because I feel like you're the one seizing life by the horns precisely because you're throwing yourself into the unknown world headfirst. To me, that is so brave.
Your fear is one we all have and all try to run away from.. by outward appearances, I suppose it looks like I am "making it" in the world so far since I'm in grad school and I've picked out a path for myself. But do I know what I'll be doing once I graduate? not a clue. Isn't it funny how we're all afraid of failure, yet more than likely couldn't define just what it means to fail in the real world?
When doors close, you can always open the windows. I think someone smart and/or famous said that but I can't remember who and I'm trying not to use google today (long story). And if you want to be daring and thrilling- make another door by tearing down the wall.
Don't worry about other people, you are on your own path doing what you want/need to do. You will succeed in this world and any world beyond this one- you are Star!
Stay fearless and happy and wonderful!
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